Introspection

I’m feeling a bit introspective tonight, so I hope I don’t bore you. But this move has been much harder on me than I thought. Sure, I knew moving to a new city would be an adjustment and that it would cause some homesickness. But really, I had no clue. We’ve only been here three months, but I feel that these last few months have been the most difficult months of our marriage, and definitely some of the most difficult of my life.

I don’t say this to complain or to make people feel sorry for me. But I created this blog as an outlet and also as a way to keep our friends and family informed about our lives, and I think I would be remiss if I only wrote about all the fun things we get to do in the city (surfacy stuff) and leave out the tremendous (and painful) work that God is doing in our lives. So I’m going to try and get it all out. Here’s a few of the ways I’ve been struggling:

• I’ve been learning just how ugly I am apart from Christ. I think because I’m homesick, feel a little lost and displaced, and don’t have a full time job and lots of friends to distract me, a lot of my nasty, selfish, self-centered tendencies and desires are coming to the surface. I’m not making life easy for my husband, that’s for sure. Praise God that I’m not confined to a life of wallowing in sin, but I’m “dead to sin and alive to God in Christ Jesus.” (Rom. 6:11)
• I’m having a hard time living in the moment. Instead of being thankful that the Lord has allowed me to realize a dream I’ve had since 9^th grade by moving to New York City, I’m constantly thinking about “when we go home.” Either that, or I’m thinking about everything I’ve left behind. I struggle to focus on the (numerous) blessings in the here and now. How lame.
• I’m feeling a bit directionless as far as my future goes. I know I want to go to grad school and pursue English Education and Literacy but I’m not sure how and when it’s all going to pan out. Actually, maybe directionless isn’t the best word. Maybe what I should be saying is that I have control issues. I want to have it all figured out and know exactly what’s going to happen and how it’s going to happen. For my entire life. Control issues. Trust issues. Same thing, I believe.
• I’m lonely. Plain and simple. As much as I love talking to my friends back home over the phone, it’s just not the same. I miss them so much.

Ok, now that you’re thoroughly depressed, here’s the silver lining. Through all of this, I know in my soul that God is faithful. And I am so incredibly grateful for His presence in my life. That He is just as present here in New York as He was in Ohio. In this gigantic city, full of so many people, He sees me. He knows how human I am, and He forgives me. He understands. He cares. And He’s worthy of my trust. And in the midst of this struggle, I can “count it all joy… because the testing of your faith develops perseverance… so that you be mature and complete, not lacking anything.” (James 1: 3-4) Which is the goal, after all. To be more like Jesus. I find comfort in that.

If you’ve made it this far, I’m impressed. I hope it made sense. Sorry if this is a lot to handle. But God is at work in the midst of my mess, and I can’t keep silent about that. I promise I’ll make my next post lighthearted. Maybe “Christmas in New York”? :-)